Friday, January 16th, 2015
Saw this video (have been watching it on repeat for five days) and thought of you, and felt like this:
If and when I smile like a hissing cat, will you reach your hand out to sooth my mania? I can see that you want to be caught too; please keep trying to snatch my wrists, grab at my ankles, bat at the air my flailing limbs whisk, because you can only be caught if you catch me too. I’ll teach you how to play with mania and still be okay when it’s all calm again, and we're calm again.
I realize now, it was never fair to ask you to be there for me in the way I did. It was too much, and they were my problems alone. I was in a world of my own muted and desaturated days, and so badly wanted you there to keep me company. I was sick, sometimes fear I still am, and worried, as I still do, that I never should have let you stay as long as you did. I worry about you, and want to know how you are doing. Feeling confused today.