It Still Feels Like We Talk Every Day

Saturday, January 17th, 2015

Dear C,

Confession: I watch your friends' Snapchats just to see if you're in them. 

Aside from that brief Tinder encounter, in which I saw your face, laughed manically, then threw my phone across the room, it's been over two weeks since we've spoken and over two weeks since I last saw you. Every day I think about calling but realize I have nothing to say and every day I feel nervous when I go outside but realize I have to take what you taught me - to not be so scared. I fear seeing you. I'm not ready to see you. If you're happy I don't want to know and if you're miserable I can't bear to imagine it. I can picture how it all goes down: I see you and begin to tremble until I shake my way into your chest, but you don't wrap your arms around me and when I begin to cry you push me away because I did this to you, us, and myself.